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TOP TEN Sequels That Ruined the Franchise

Christian Sellers — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 02:16:10 +0000

It is the Hollywood way for one successful movie to produce a franchise that would eventually milk its concept dry and run aground. First goes the character, then the continuity and lastly the enthusiasm, but there is always one sequel that is responsible for the downward spiral that the series would eventually take. Was the villain shot into space, was a previously unknown sibling suddenly introduced or had the same formula been recycled so often it had become stale?

Here is a selection of sequels that marked the artistic decline of each respective franchise…

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 4: THE DREAM MASTER
Whilst some fans had expressed disappointment with Freddy’s Revenge, the second movie of the series, director Jack Sholder had managed to create a dark and disturbing atmosphere in between the bizarre homosexual subtexts. But the fourth movie, subtitled The Dream Master, would surprisingly out-gross all of its predecessors, despite disposing of the horror aspect in favour of comic book violence and MTV-style set pieces. As resident boogeyman, Freddy Krueger, cult actor Robert Englund had initially developed the character as a menacing child murderer, but by the time The Dream Master went into production he had lost his mean streak. The final act of the third movie, The Dream Warriors, had partially been responsible for the transition, but it would be Renny Harlin’s entry into the franchise that would kill the horror and replace it with camp.

ALIEN RESURRECTION
Jean-Pierre Jeunet is one of the most inventive filmmakers working in the industry today and is truly the unsung hero of modern fantast cinema. Delicatessen was a low-key black comedy, La cité des enfants perdus/The City of Lost Children was a cold-yet-seductive fantasy, whilst Le fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain/Amélie is one of the most beautiful motion pictures ever made. It was no secret how first-time director David Fincher was treated by the producers of Alien 3, and sadly Jeunet would experience something similar during the making of 1997’s Alien Resurrection, the third sequel to Ridley Scott’s claustrophobic classic. Jeunet’s usual inventive flair was dampened by constant studio interference, whilst Joss Whedon’s screenplay was full of ludicrous ideas and clichéd characters, all wrapped up with an atrocious alien-human hybrid. Jeunet may not have been completely free of blame but the experience would prompt him never to return to Hollywood again.

HELLRAISER: BLOODLINE
Prior to attempting a career as a director, Kevin Yagher had established himself as a successful makeup artist on such ’80s gems as Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, and so it may have seemed like a surefire win for Dimension Films when they hired him to shoot the fourth in the popular Hellraiser franchise. The production would prove to be a disaster, resulting in Yagher removing his name from the credits (opting instead for the infamous pseudonym Alan Smithee) and being replaced by Joe Chappell, whose own movie Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers had also self-destructed. Once again written by Peter Atkins, who had been responsible for the previous two films, Hellraiser: Bloodline would be a confused mess that would transform a once inventive series into a disappointing and generic franchise.

SEED OF CHUCKY
How scary can a movie about a killer children’s doll really be? Tom Holland’s original thriller, 1988’s Child’s Play, had managed to create an effective movie out of a ridiculous premise, but the sequels would fail to prove to reach the same heights. Due to the controversy in Britain when the third movie would be blamed for the murder of a two-year old at the hands of two children, the series would take a rest for several years before being reinvented in the post-Scream climate as Bride of Chucky. The movie would prove to be the most successful of the series and the most critically acclaimed since Holland’s original, but when actor Brad Dourif and writer Don Mancini (now promoted to director) regrouped for Seed of Chucky in 2004, what had once held potential had become ridiculous and boring.

DIARY OF THE DEAD
Although both Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead had become adored by fans and critics alike, each one of George A. Romero’s zombie sequels that would follow over the next few decades would fail to find their audience. 1985’s Day of the Dead would take twenty years before skeptics began to appreciate it for the classic that it was, whilst 2005’s Land of the Dead would require multiple viewings before its charms became evident. But there is no way to justify just how bad 2007’s Diary of the Dead was, which replaced semi-competent actors with a cast that lacked conviction, special effects that failed to live up to the gory delights of the earlier films and a subtext that was strained at best. Supposedly set on the same evening as Night of the Living Dead (despite featuring modern technology), Diary of the Dead showed that Romero’s magic touch with zombies was finally starting to fade.

THE OMEN: THE FINAL CONFLICT
Few sequels live up to the promise of the original movie, but 1978’s Damien: Omen II managed to at least be a worthy continuation, even if it didn’t quite match up to its predecessor. But by allowing the character of Damien to grow up into an adult, instead of the defenseless child who was guarded by the hounds of Hell, somehow ruined the magic of the series. As the grown up antagonist, Sam Neill gave a strong and complex performance, but the script from Andrew Birkin (who recently scripted Perfume: The Story of a Murderer) lacks character and the climax is something of a disappointment. The direction (from Alien Nation’s Graham Baker) is pedestrian and whilst the movie manages to build up some kind of tension, it fails to deliver and brings the series to a grinding halt. Despite this, another movie would eventually follow.

HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS
There are few people who would dispute what a classic John Carpenter’s original Halloween was, and how its first sequel had the impossible task of trying to match up to a masterpiece. Over the years, one by one, the series would lose its rhythm after a string of confusing and disappointing sequels, ranging from the irrelevant Season of the Witch to the disjointed The Revenge of Michael Myers. But the franchise should have ended with 1995’s The Curse of Michael Myers, a movie so bad that even two versions could not save it. Between director Joe Chappelle (who reportedly a little affection for the horror genre) and fan boy-turned-writer Daniel Farrands, the once renowned franchise suddenly felt as soulless and derivative as all those slashers that had tried to steal from the original.

SCREAM 3
Whilst Wes Craven may have everyone to blame but himself for the treatment of the Elm Street sequels, he only had himself to blame when he directed Scream 3, a movie so childish and empty that it was the kind of generic slasher that the first had mocked so blatantly. With Kevin Williamson stretched thin with his popular television show Dawson’s Creek and directorial debut Teaching Mrs. Tingle, writing duties were taken over by Ehren Kruger, who may only have gotten the job because of his surname. The premise now seemed forced, the jokes overused and the characters (specifically the three central protagonists) having run their course. Attempting to rewrite the rules of the trilogy, Scream 3 failed in every possible way.

PSYCHO III
Following in the footsteps of a legend such as Alfred Hitchcock is almost an impossible task, yet Richard Franklin had somehow managed to direct a worthy sequel to the seminal masterpiece Psycho in 1983. Due to its unexpected success, producers were eager to develop a third movie, this time with star Anthony Perkins behind the camera. The result was a disappointment: characters that lacked sympathy and unnecessary gore and nudity. Norman Bates, the troubled protagonist/antagonist of the series, had been reduced to a generic slasher boogeyman and even Charles Edward Pogue’s script, which had attempted to reference the original movie with the introduction of tortured nun Maureen Coyle, lacked inspiration. Even the usually reliable Jeff Fahey gave a bland performance as a sleazy drifter, whilst Perkins’ direction was less impressive than Franklin’s.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2
Although many fans claim that both Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation ruined the infamous franchise, the sad truth is that it was original director Tobe Hooper who was guilty when he followed up the classic twelve years later with the first sequel. Claiming that no one picked up on the subtle humour of the previous movie, 1986’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 was a dumb, loud and irritating movie that has somehow gained a cult following. L.M. Kit Carson’s tepid script, coupled with boring performances from Dennis Hopper, Bill Johnson and Caroline Williams, resulted in a film that did not deserve to carry the name. Maybe it was Tom Savini’s trademark gore that won the fans over, but those who love the original for its style and restraint would find little to enjoy here.

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TOP TEN Zombie Movies of the 1980s

Christian Sellers — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 17:32:05 +0000

Although the concept of zombies had been around for many years and a regular staple of horror cinema since the release of White Zombie in the 1930s, the undead arguably enjoyed their most successful period during the 1980s. With the worldwide success of George A. Romero’s splatter classic Dawn of the Dead (itself a sequel to the seminal masterpiece Night of the Living Dead) in 1979, both American and European producers were eager to capitalize on the newfound interest in the dead returning to life and feasting off the living. Thus, within twelve months of its release, shameless Italian filmmakers had launched their own cycle in an effort to ride the bandwagon, with Lucio Fulci’s notorious gore-fest Zombi 2 (Zombie Flesh Eaters) paving the way for a string of inferior and hastily produced rip-offs.

As the decade progressed, American audiences were once again fascinated by the undead and, by 1985, the cycle was once again in full swing. In that year alone, zombie fans were treated to such varied classics as The Return of the Living Dead, Re-animator and Romero’s own Day of the Dead. Other films took elements of the undead and blended them with other genres, resulting in everything from zombie slashers (Maniac Cop) to zombie demons (The Evil Dead, Night of the Demons). As the decade came to an end, the appeal of the living dead had started to dwindle, as the horror genre lost popularity in favour of ‘psychological thrillers’ such as The Silence of the Lambs and The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. It would not be until over ten years later that the living dead would once again rise in full force!
With countless sequels and Italian imitators, the decade was awash with all manner of zombie delights. Here’s a selection of ten highlights from the 1980s…

DAY OF THE DEAD
Mankind has been overrun by the undead and a group of survivors take refuge underground. As the scientists attempt to find a cure, the military – led by the psychotic Captain Rhodes (Joe Pilato) -threaten to leave them behind. Misunderstood and underrated for over twenty years, Romero’s final chapter to his original trilogy took a drastic turn from the comic book violence of Dawn of the Dead and took the series into darker territory. The main subplot of the movie saw the demented Dr. Logan (Richard Liberty) attempting to domesticate his pet zombie, Bub (Sherman Howard). Ironically, as the humans bicker amongst themselves, Bub displays the most emotion, despite being a zombie. Tom Savini’s groundbreaking and stomach-turning special effects are often the most discussed aspect of the movie.

CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD
Although most famous for Zombi 2, Fulci also found acclaim with his ‘Gates of Hell‘ trilogy (a term created by critics, not Fulci himself), consisting of Paura nella città dei morti viventi (City of the Living Dead), E tu vivrai nel terrore – L’aldilà (The Beyond) and Quella villa accanto al cimitero (The House by the Cemetery). After a priest commits suicide, the dead begin to rise in the Lovecraftian town of Dunwich, as reporter Christopher George and medium Catriona MacColl race against time to close the gateway to Hell. The only movie from the trilogy not to be included on the UK’s ‘video nasty’ list during the mid-1980s, despite several notorious scenes of gore (including instestine-spewing and head drilling), the movie marked the sceen debut for Giovanni Lombardo Radice, who would become a permanent fixture of Italian horror during the early 1980s.

DEAD & BURIED
Often overlooked as a zombie film, Gary Sherman’s Twilight Zone-like thriller (also a video nasty) was marketed around the fact that co-writer Dan O’Bannon had created Alien. His involvement on Dead & Buried had been minimal but the movie would boast an early appearance from genre veteran Robert Englund, who would later become known for his recurring role as Freddy Krueger. In the picturesque seaside town of Potter’s Bluff, Sheriff Gillis (James Farentino) investigates the brutal murder of a stranger, before discovering the horrifying truth about his fellow residents. A stylish and creepy flick, aided by impressive special effects by Stan Winston, the film also featured a turn by Jack Albertson (Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory), who would sadly pass away shortly after completing the movie.

RE-ANIMATOR
Director Stuart Gordon and producer Brian Yuzna made their first foray into feature films with Re-animator, a loose adaptation of a series of short stories by cult author H.P. Lovecraft. Initially to have been a television mini series, the movie was an outrageous and extremely gory flick that introduced audiences to demented character actor Jeffrey Combs. Having recently returned from Switzerland, medical student Herbert. West (Combs) rents out a spare room at the house of Dan Cain (Bruce Abbott), where he continues his experiments with life after death. But he soon realises that he needs an assistant and attempts to convince Cain to help steal corpses from the hospital where they study. Perhaps most notorious for a scene in which the severed head of sleazy Dr. Hill (David Gale) performs cunnilingus on a young woman.

THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW
The ghost of Freddy Krueger haunts no one more than filmmaker Wes Craven, who would somehow manage to include an element of A Nightmare on Elm Street in almost everything he’s created. Although based on a journal by anthropologist Wade Davis, The Serpent and the Rainbow would see Bill Pullman as Dennis Alan, who travels to Haiti to investigate rumours of a drug that producers a death-like state, causing many of the natives to be buried alive. Although not adapted by Craven, the final act of the movie lifts certain elements from his earlier blockbuster, in which Dennis uses his powers to defeat Captain Peytraud (Zakes Mokae) and sets him on fire. Despite taking liberties with its source material, The Serpent and the Rainbow proved to be a modest success and stands as one of Craven’s more accomplished works, sandwiched in between the likes of The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 and Shocker.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS
Having written the original story for Steve Miner’s comedy horror House, Fred Dekker took to the director’s chair with Night of the Creeps, produced the same year. Years after a canister of mysterious alien liquid crash lands on Earth, a corpse is re-animated and plagues a fraternity house, whilst a detective (Tom Atkins) launches an investigation into a series of recent events. Taking elements from all manner of genres, such as b-movies, slashers and zombies, Night of the Creeps proved to be a hit with young audiences and would further cement the reputation of horror veteran Atkins, previously known for his roles in The Fog and Halloween III: Season of the Witch. As an in-joke from Dekker, many of the characters are named after popular director, resulting in the likes of Chris Romero and Cynthia Cronenberg.

THE BEYOND
Often regarded as Fulci’s epic, 1981’s The Beyond followed in a similar vein to Dario Argento’s Inferno (released the previous year) by largely ignoring narrative conventions and instead concentrating more on atmosphere and gore. Over thirty years after a man is executed as a warlock by a lynch mob, the hotel is to be re-opened by a young woman (MacColl), but a series of strange events leads her to the discovery of an ancient text known as the Book of Enoch. With Fulci regular MacColl taking on a different role to the one she portrayed in City of the Living Dead, The Beyond would become yet another Italian zombie movie to be labeled as a video nasty. Although Dardano Sacchetti’s script lacks any real structure or character development, it is the mood that Fulci creates and the bizarre conclusion that is most effective.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD
Following on from a dispute between Night of the Living Dead’s co-writers Romero and John Russo, the two were allowed to create their own sequels. Whilst Romero directed Dawn of the Dead, Russo wrote a novel entitled Return of the Living Dead. Optioned and set to be directed by Poltergeist’s Tobe Hooper, the project was eventually handed over to O’Bannon, who drastically re-wrote the script and took the film in a more slapstick direction. When an old army drum is breached and a strange gas released, a group of young punks and middle-aged warehouse works are forced to fight off a rising army of the undead. Released around the same time as Day of the Dead, the more lighthearted tone of Return of the Living Dead resulted in the movie becoming a huge success, aided by a hip soundtrack and a naked Linnea Quigley.

NIGHT OF THE COMET
The 1980s saw many filmmakers attempting to mix horror with comedy. In some instances it worked to perfection (Evil Dead II), whilst other times the results were abysmal. Thom Eberhardt’s 1984 romp Night of the Comet proved to be a thoroughly entertaining and unique flick that mixed science fiction and horror, in which mankind faces extinction when Earth passes through the tail of a comet, something that may have killed off the dinosaurs. Following on from the likes of Saturday the 14th, Night of the Comet successfully pokes holes at the genre, whilst also throwing out a few original ideas of its own. The cast would include several recognizable faces from cult ’80s movies, including The Last Starfighter’s Catherine Mary Stewart and Chopping Mall’s Kelli Maroney. The film gained a small following over the last twenty-five years.

ZOMBIE HOLOCAUST
As Fulci found international acclaim after the release of Zombi 2 in 1979, countless Italian filmmakers attempted to capitalize on its success. Ranging from the so-bad-they’re-good (Zombie Creeping Flesh) to the simply-bad (Nightmare City), the cycle produced very few titles of worth. Marino Girolami’s 1980 effort Zombie Holocaust (also known as Zombie Butcher M.D.) was far from a masterpiece but featured enough gory set pieces to satisfy fans of splatter. An expedition is sent to a native island to uncover a series of recent incidents of cannibalism, where Dr. Chandler (Ian McCulloch) uncovers a series of horrific experiments involving the re-animated dead. In a further attempt to appeal to fans of Zombi 2. McCulloch was cast in another investigatory role, whilst zombie chomping is delivered in all its grizzly glory.

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TOP TEN Worst Horror Sequels

Christian Sellers — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 01:21:05 +0000

Sequels by their very nature are often inferior and predictable imitations of a much better movie, falling short of their predecessors by failing to bring anything new to the table and simply stealing ideas and recycling them. There are a few exceptions where a sequel has succeeded in defying all expectations and matching the original – Dawn of the Dead and Aliens being the best examples – but these are few and far between. At their best, they usually passable, if pointless, guilty pleasures.

But more often than not they are simply shite: lower production standards, producers who simply want to play it safe and make as much money as possible and actors plucked from tacky television shows. The slasher movies of the 1980s produced its fair share of monotony, but over recent years there have been countless sequels that have managed to soil the reputations of the original movies. Sometimes their greatest crime is that they are just too boring to tolerate.

Here’s a selection of sequels that fail on every level. Note that this is only a Top Ten, so there will no doubt be plenty of movies you feel should have made the list. Leave your suggestions below.

WISHMASTER 3: BEYOND THE GATES OF HELL (2001)
So the first two Wishmaster movies were hardly works of art and the whole franchise has the production value of straight-to-video trash, but at least parts one and two had Andrew Divoff in an over-the-top performance as the wisecracking and ultra-coolDjinn (also known as Nathaniel Demerest when in human form). The first movie was directed by FX artist Robert Kurtzman, whilst the second saw The Hidden’s Jack Sholder return to the genre, but 2001’s Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell, shot back-to-back with The Prophecy Fulfilled, saw John Novak take over the role of the charismatic villain. Boring, uneventful and utterly pointless, and any movie which features Jason Connery in a major role is bound to be lame.

SCREAM 3 (2000)
After two entertaining, tongue-in-cheek and surprisingly intelligent movies, screenwriter Kevin Williamson decided to move away from the Scream trilogy to work on his directorial debut, Killing Mrs. Tingle. The studio instead hired Ehren Kruger (later of The Ring fame) to pen the script, based on a treatment by Williamson, and the result was a generic and by-the-numbers slasher that was the kind of run of the mill flick that the first movie had mocked. The three principal cast members seemed bored and out of place, whilst a posthumous appearance from Jamie Kennedy’s Randy makes little narrative sense. Pointless cameos from the likes of Carrie Fisher and Jay and Silent Bob, and a ridiculous twist that tries to disprove the events of the first movie, Scream 3 really is a disappointment on every level and thankfully brought the series to a conclusion.

DIARY OF THE DEAD (2007)
It seems that it takes many viewing to fully appreciate a George A. Romero zombie movie. 1985’s Day of the Dead was considered a major disappointment for twenty years, whilst 2005’s Land of the Dead was far more effective on the small screen. But Diary of the Dead, which attempted to return to the night the outbreak first began, was a tedious affair. Lacking his trademark humour, intelligence or, worst of all, interesting or sympathetic characters, his fifth zombie movie was an embarrassment. He had ceased to be the master of the undead and had instead become as second rate and extendable as those who had tried to steal from him.

BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2 (2000)
Despite causing the majority of its audience to vomit due to its hand held camerawork, 1999’s Blair Witch Project was an extremely effective low budget movie, whose success was primarily due to an ingenious marketing campaign. Despite taking its cue from Ruggero Deodato’s Cannibal Holocaust, co-directors Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sánchez had enough idea of their own to produce a genuinely unsettling movie. The fact that none of the actors appeared to promote the film only further fueled rumours that the footage was in fact real. It was inevitable that a sequel would eventually surface, which dispensed with the faux documentary-style of its predecessor and instead went for the typical teen horror approach. Directed by Joe Berlinger, the movie lacked any of the style or originality of the first film and was so monotonous that any interest in a second sequel was soon dismissed.

LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE (2008)
The Lost Boys was a very stylish and enjoyable teen horror from 1987 that featured many of the ‘Brat Packers’ of the era and combined humour with horror to great effect. One of the selling points of the film was ’80s train-wreck Corey Feldman, who had previously been known for the likes of The Goonies and Stand By Me, and so when a sequel was announced two decades later it was inevitable that he would be asked to return. Sadly, however, The Tribe was more in tone with Buffy the Vampire Slayer than the film it was supposed to follow and none of the style or humour translated as well.

THE AMITYVILLE CURSE (1990)
The Amityville franchise was hardly the most effective or respected of films and, with perhaps the exception of the first two installments (the second succeeded in being far creepier than the original), each sequel that followed was more disappointing than the last. The Amityville Curse was the fifth in the series and even managed to be more mediocre and disappointing than its predecessor, The Evil Escapes. The tired and uninspired franchise Moria’s review of the movie stated that ‘it looks cheap – the photography is drab. The effects shabbily unconvincing – cheap facial appliances and would-be spooky effects like a face seemingly pushing through a wall in the cellar that looks just like a face pushing against rubber.’ Despite the major disappointing, yet another sequel followed with Amityville: It’s About Time the following year.

THE OMEN IV: THE AWAKENING (1991)
The first two movies in The Omen series were extremely effective and surprisingly well acted, yet the third film fell apart by the end of the film. And with Damien Thorn finally defeated, it seemed that the franchise could finally be laid to rest. But this time it is a young girl, Delia (Asia Vieira), who seems to be the offspring of the Devil and all manner of chaos erupts. Swiss-French filmmaker Dominique Othenin-Girard had already ruined the Halloween series with the awful sequel The Revenge of Michael Myers and he was up to his tricks once again with The Awakening, this time sharing credit with TV director Jorge Montesi.

JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987)
How many movies can you make about a killer shark before audiences lose interest? Well, four it seems. But whereas the third movie had the 3D gimmick to relieve some of the boredom, The Revenge instead had Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles. Joseph Sargent, a thirty-year veteran of the industry, directed a movie that was too ridiculous and pointless for words. Lorraine Gary once again returned to the role of Ellen Brody, whilst Lance Guest replaced Dennis Quaid as her son. This movie is so dumb the premise of the story is that a shark, desperate for revenge, follows the Brodys to the Bahamas. Managing to make even Joe Dante’s spoof Piranha seem intelligent, The Revenge is one of those movies that is guaranteed to bring a once-profitable franchise to a screaming halt. What Steven Spielberg thought of this movie is anyone’s guess, but audiences hated it, and understandably so.

HELLRAISER: BLOODLINE (1994)
The Hellraiser franchise had started to go downhill with the third movie, Hell on Earth, which had proved to be entertaining but lacked any of the intelligence of subtlety of the first two films. It had also brought its villain, Pinhead (Doug Bradley), centre stage, and suddenly the mystery behind the character was destroyed. Dimension Films took over the series for Bloodline and a decline in quality was immediately apparent. Despite the script once again being written by Peter Atkins, it was a confusing and boring affair, which in part could be blamed for director Kevin Yagher being replaced by Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers‘ Joe Chappelle and then the film being drastically recut.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION (1994)
What the Hell happened to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? The original movie, released back in 1974, was one of the most effective and unpleasant horror films ever made. Its sequel, released eight years later, was by the same director (and even boasted special effects from none other than Tom Savini) but went more for excessive comedy than horror. By the time we had gotten to the third film the premise was all washed up and the characters had ceased to be scary. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, directed by Kim Henkel (who had co-written the first film), is by far the most disappointing sequel ever made, purely because it tries so hard and fails to be The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Matthew McConaughey is hopelessly miscast and Leatherface has now become a joke.

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TOP TEN Worst Horror Remakes of the Decade

Christian Sellers — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 16:41:12 +0000

The hatred towards Hollywood’s current obsession with remaking every movie ever made has gone beyond film geeks and now seems to anger almost everyone. Whilst some films may have failed to live up to their promise and have aged poorly, either due to lack of talent or simply being too much a product of their time, money-hungry studios have since turned their attention to those that most would consider bona fide classics. Thus, the last few years have seen such unnecessary ‘reboots’ (since remakes became a dirty word, studios have tried to fool audiences with various other euphemisms) as Dawn of the Dead, The Omen and other movies that are still hailed by both critics and fans as timeless classics.

This current onslaught of MTV-orientated crowd pleasers have rode on the wave of success that was first set forth by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: a depressing, sleazy and shallow rehash of Tobe Hooper’s 1974 grindhouse classic that saw action director Michael Bay’s production company Platinum Dunes first plant the seed for what was about to follow. Whereas the 1980s saw the rise of the franchise, with sequels becoming major business, the 2000s was the decade of the remake, and no amount of protest from fans managed to slow down the bandwagon.

Whilst there are simply too many to choose from, we have managed to narrow down a list of main offenders to just ten. These films have been selected for a myriad of reasons – from them being utterly pointless to simply shite!

QUARANTINE (2008)
It is a sign of the times when the Hollywood remake is released in America before the original movie. This was the case with Quarantine, Screen Gems’ English language rehash of Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza’s claustrophobic Spanish thriller [Rec], with Jennifer Carpenter (Dexter) as an ambitious journalist who is trapped inside a Los Angeles apartment block during a zombie-like outbreak. Although Quarantine was released theatrically on October 10 (with Dread Central’s review declaring that ‘This is just another missed opportunity that should never have been attempted in the first place’), [Rec] did not surface in America until it was sent straight-to-DVD by Sony nine months later.

WHEN A STRANGER CALLS (2005)
The original When a Stranger Calls was released back in 1979, shortly before the initial slasher boom, and was inspired by a short film that director Fred Walton had shot the previous year. Taking only the first twenty minutes (which many critics have stated to be amongst the most tense of any horror movie) and stretching it out to ninety minutes, Screen Gems‘ PG-13 teen-friendly thriller was directed by Simon West (Con Air, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider), who was clearly out of his depth when handling tension and suspense. Variety’s Joe Lydon stated that ‘A modestly clever concept gets indifferent execution.’

FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009)
When will we learn? Bay’s Platinum Dunes had already produced six irritating and unwatchable efforts that worked more like feature length music videos than motion pictures (many directors involved in the company, including Bay, had a background in this medium), yet most of us were eventually fooled into believing that they had finally managed to master the art of filmmaking and would bring back Jason Voorhees in style with their remake of Friday the 13th. It’s a simple enough formula: a bunch of kids head out to the woods to party, Jason kills them all, one girl survives and eventually manages to kill him (at least until the obligatory sequel). Yet somehow German-born Marcus Nispel managed to make a mess of this and instead delivered something that was just ninety minutes of fake breasts, unnecessary sleaze and characters even too shallow and underdeveloped for a slasher flick.

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (2009)
Why anyone would want to remake something as despicable and pointless as The Last House on the Left is anyone’s guess. After all, it was only after being interviewed for David A. Szulkin’s Last House on the Left: The Making of a Cult Classic that director Wes Craven went on record to justify why the movie was an important work of art. He had, for over almost thirty years, tried to distance himself from what is basically an amateur and poorly executed exploitation flick. Anyone unfamiliar with the original or any of the films that have so explicitly stolen from it over the years may be shocked by the brutality and nihilistic storyline, but Dennis Iliadis’ glossy thriller proved to be just as shallow as Craven’s effort. And Garret Dillahunt failed to come anywhere near the level of intensity that David Hess had originally put into the role of lead rapist Krug.

THE FOG (2005)
It has been proven time and time again that no one can remake John Carpenter. Jean-François Richet’s mediocre Assault on Precinct 13 was a perfect example, and even Carpenter himself fell short with both Escape from L.A. (a remake dressed up as a sequel) and Ghosts of Mars, which took the set up of Assault on Precinct 13 and placed it in a science fiction environment. Rupert Wainwright’s uninspired update of the 1980 classic The Fog was perhaps the worst of all, with Selma Blair hopelessly miscast in the role previously played by Adrienne Barbeau. And Smallville’s Tom Welling attempting to fill the shoes of Tom Atkins is just laughable.

HOUSE OF WAX (2005)
‘Why wasn’t House of Wax number one on our list?’ I hear you ask. One very simple reason: we get to see Paris Hilton brutally murdered. Without that little treat, this film would have been as shite as all of Dark Castle’s other efforts. The company, formed by produced Joel Silver and filmmaker Robert Zemeckis, had already revamped the likes of House on Haunted Hill and Thir13en Ghosts, but Jaume Collet-Serra’s teen thriller House of Wax (which co-starred 24’s Elisha Cuthbert and Supernatural’s Jared Padalecki) was certainly one of their most annoying efforts. The original had seen Vincent Price as a demented museum sculptor who transforms his victims into the latest attractions of his show. But at least we got to see Paris Hilton die.

PROM NIGHT (2006)
Originally released in 1980, Paul Lynch’s Prom Night was certainly the most disappointing of Jamie Lee Curtis’ run of slasher films, replacing the tension of Halloween with some rather irritating disco sequences. Having worked on such shows as ER and Prison Break, Nelson McCormick (whose second genre feature was the recent remake of The Stepfather) was hired to bring Prom Night to a new generation of horror fans. Taking its cue from When a Stranger Calls, this was another PG-13 disaster from Screen Gems, with Brittany Snow, Scott Porter and Jessica Stroup sleepwalking through their thankless roles.

THE WICKER MAN (2006)
There was a time, many moons ago, when Nicolas Cage occasionally flirted with the idea of becoming a good actor. He often chose offbeat roles, gaining acclaim for such films as Raizing Arizona and Wild at Heart, but his hard work all went to Hell when he tried to reinvent himself as an action hero with The Rock and Con Air. Ever since then, he has made some terrible career choices (see Ghost Rider for further details), but one of his most critically mauled turns was as the lead in Neil LaBute’s truly awful remake of The Wicker Man. Taking over the role from Edward Woodward, Cage gives an bland and ridiculous performance, but the tepid script and pedestrian directing does little to help.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003)
Blame this movie for every crap remake that has been released over the last few years. If it was not for Michael Bay and this MTV-inspired drivel, maybe the horror genre would not be regurgitating itself time and time again. Sure, this has helped to make the genre popular again at the box office, but most of us would give that up in a heartbeat if it meant we would not be subjected to some of the atrocious remakes that are filling the multiplexes around the world. Jessica Biel and Eric Balfour head the cast of youngsters who fall foul of R. Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) and his family of inbred slaughterhouse rejects. Leatherface ceased being effective many years ago and this film simply upped the violence and jettisoned the tension of the original.

HALLOWEEN (2007)
If there is one movie that deserves any little bit of criticism that it has received then it is Rob Zombie’s ill advised remake of John Carpenter’s classic Halloween. The franchise had long since run out of steam and thankfully 2002’s Halloween: Resurrection had seemed to bring it to an end. But singer-turned-director Zombie decided to give the formula a trailer trash spin by adding full frontal nudity, graphic violence and not one sympathetic character. This may have worked well with The Devil’s Rejects, whose villains were portrayed as the protagonists, but with a story in which the heroine is supposed to be likable, his brand of childish and excessive violence only serves as a distraction. Both Malcolm McDowell and Scout Taylor-Compton are miscast as the two leads and boogeyman Michael Myers ceases to be effective once his troubled childhood is revealed. And Zombie’s recent sequel shows that he should stick to music.

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TOP TEN Moments from Friday the 13th

Christian Sellers — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:10:17 +0000

Twelve films, thirty years… that’s a lot of kills! Having painstakingly soldiered through each one, we have compiled our list of the TOP TEN moments of Friday the 13th, showing Jason at his most brutal and inventive!

THE NEW BLOOD (1988)
‘Jason vs. Tina’ – With her mother and the kids next door having been brutally slaughtered, tortured telekinetic teen Tina Shepard (Lar Park-Lincoln) is forced to finally come face-to-face with Jason (played for the first time by Kane Hodder). Thanks to the special effects background of director John Carl Buechler and Hodder’s experience as a stuntman, the finale for Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood more than makes up for the first sixty minutes by featuring perhaps the most action-packed climax of the entire franchise, with Tina using her powers to set Jason on fire before literally bringing the house down on him.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 (1981)
‘The death of Alice’ – Having defeated the psychotic Mrs. Voorhees in the first film, Alice (Adrienne King) is now attempting to piece her life back together. Still distraught after the massacre at Camp Crystal Lake, Alice is eventually tracked down by Jason Voorhees (portrayed throughout the movie by various cast and crew members), whose mother was decapitated by the young woman. But, having been startled by the usual red herring of a cat jumping through a window, Alice is suddenly attacked by Jason and has an ice pick stabbed through the side of her temple. With her story finally laid to rest, Part 2 was then free to focus on a new group of sexually active teens.

JASON TAKES MAHATTAN (1989)
‘Jason gives head’ – Cornered on a rooftop and unable to escape, champion high school boxer Julius (V.C. Dupree) is forced to stand his ground against Jason (Hodder) and repeatedly punches him in his face, his knuckles becoming more and more bloodied from the hockey mask. Eventually running out of steam, Jules submits and tells him to give his best shot. In one punch, Jason knocks Jules’ head clean off, sending it over the side of the roof and into a dumpster below.

A NEW BEGINNING (1985)
‘Jason’s eye for detail’ – Horny lovebirds Eddie (John Robert Dixon) and Tina (Debisue Voorhees) are unable to keep their hands off each other and decide to sneak away from the halfway house where they are both residents to make out in a nearby field. Once done, Eddie wanders off to relieve himself, leaving Tina to relax naked in the sun. A moment later, ‘Jason’ (Tom Morga) appears over her and thrusts a pair of gardening shears down into her eye sockets. When Eddie returns he finds her mutilated and backs away in fear against a tree, only for ‘Jason’ to appear once again.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3 (1982)
‘The first appearance of the mask’ – Practical joker Shelly (Larry Zerner) had already played a prank on Vera (Catherine Parks), who had rejected his advances. Soon afterwards, she is sat against the lake looking through Shelly’s wallet when she accidentally drops it into the water. Having finally managed to salvage it, she sees Jason (Richard Brooker) appear from behind the house wearing Shelly’s hockey mask and, without warning, fires a harpoon directly into her eye. The original theatrical release (and recent region 1 DVD) presented this in 3D.

JASON LIVES (1986)
‘The crash’ – Whilst his friends prepare the summer camp for the impending arrival of the children, Cort (Tom Fridley) sneaks off to see his sexy young girlfriend Nikki (Darcy DeMoss). After having sex in her stepfather’s camper van, they drive back towards the camp with Alice Cooper blasting out full blast. But, as Nikki passes the bathroom, Jason (C.J. Graham) bursts out and drags her inside, crushing her face through the wall. He then sneaks up on Cort and stabs him in the side of the head with his hunting knife, causing the van to crash and fall onto its side, sliding down the road and bursting into flames as Jason climbs out.

FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)
‘The arrow through the throat’ – The success of both Friday the 13th and Tom Savini can arguably be attributed to one specific moment, in which Jack (Kevin Bacon), having just made love to his girlfriend Marcie (Jeannine Taylor), lies back in his bed and lights a joint. Noticing blood dripping from above, he is about to investigate when a hand reaches up from underneath and pins him down, whilst an arrow is forced up through the bed and straight into his throat, causing blood to gush out like a geyser. These scene would become a landmark in practical special effects and would turn Savini into a star in his own right.

FREDDY VS. JASON (2003)
‘The cornfield massacre’ – After fifteen years of anticipation, 2003’s Freddy vs. Jason was a huge disappointment for both fans of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street, with its shoddy script (by Damian Shannon and Mark Swift, who also wrote this year’s remake of Friday the 13th) and comic book-like direction clashing with the grunge feel of the franchise. But one sequence that proved to be a major highlight saw Jason (Ken Kirzinger) set on fire by a drunken kid (Chris Gauthier), only to begin slicing his way through the partygoers whilst still burning. Although fans would criticize the movie for replacing resident Jason Kane Hodder with Kirzinger (who had appeared in a small role in Jason Takes Mahattan), the cornfield scene would have even made Hodder proud.

JASON X (2001)
‘Smashed head’ – Many of the hardcore fans hate Jason X, mainly because of its tongue-in-cheek humour, its lack of bloodshed and its change of location. Whilst most of the violence is relatively mild, one of the most inventive deaths occurs early on in the movie when scientist Adrienne (Kristi Angus) is accosted by a newly-reanimated Jason (Kane Hodder), who grabs her from behind and forces her head into a sink of liquid nitrogen, freezing it instantly. Removing her head, he then slams her face down onto the table, causing the front of her head to shatter. Once done, he tosses the body aside angrily and searches for his next victim.

THE FINAL CHAPTER (1984)
‘ R.I.P. Jason’ – Having slaughtered almost everyone, Jason (Ted White) sets his sights on Trish Jarvis (Kimberly Beck). But her younger brother, Tommy (Corey Feldman), has been studying news clippings of Jason and decides to disorientate him by shaving his own head to resemble a young Jason. Racing downstairs just in time to save his sister, Tommy confronts Jason and manages to swing his machete into the side of his head, causing him to fall to his knees and topple forward. His face slowly slides down the side of the blade but, when his hand begins to twitch, Tommy removes the machete and begins to butcher him whilst repeatedly screaming ‘Die…’

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